On Thursday morning a close friend sent the following Neil Strauss quote:
“Most people seem to believe that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, it’s a failure. But the only relationship that’s truly a failure is the one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by its depth, not its length.”
Simply put: Depth > Length. I agree.
Yet I still have a hard time digesting this undeniable reality about human connection. Our daily, monotonous actions are mainly restricted to: 1. breathing, 2. consuming, 3. navigating, and 4. interacting with external entities. Life is a series of actions & reactions; oftentimes the causes (and similarly the consequences) take varying times to actualize. A budding friendship over a lifetime or five years may be as equally instrumental as an unexpected blaze that lasts five months or even five minutes.
Twice this week - in regards to two relationships - I questioned the ramifications of Strauss’ words. What happens when I feel that my time exploring your story was cut short? That you pulled the curtain shut before I could watch the entire performance & give you a standing ovation? How can I respectfully accept that you wish the current state of our relationship to end after five months when I anticipated it stretching beyond five years?
Funny enough, I was flipping through my journal from the Camino de Santiago this afternoon and came across this overheard on the Camino entry from 6/23/2017. Declan, the first of my two honorary Irish dads, was reflecting on the pilgrimage thus far. “I have known John for almost 40 years. Kelly, you met him last year. Emily, 2 weeks ago and Carolyn, you met John on Tuesday. But I can say that I wouldn’t ask for any other traveling partners.”
Though I haven’t been in touch with Declan much since, I fondly remember his ridiculous “safari shirt” & his addiction to sarcasm. Do I regret not reaching out regularly? Not really. Our friendship existed within a specific time, traversed a specific space. It expanded over three weeks & gracefully concluded once we parted.
The experience of fostering a short-lived family served as a reminder: individuals do not exist like honeycombs (this was the first holey thing that came to mind other than a bagel). Our utility to the world is not contingent upon how others embed their honey or pollen into our carefully carved cells. Declan, John, Kelly & myself were not seeking plugs to fill a void in our journeys. The two Irish goofballs, an Australian criminologist, and I nurtured a relationship that became a separate entity from our selves. We developed an interdependence for one another, taking care of the majority of our needs alone but then reaching out when we needed support.
Over the next few weeks, some of my relationships will be transitioning from an interdependent connection to more of an independent one. I recognize that these friendships have not been & will not be failures just because they are veering in ways I had not anticipated. I am comfortable accepting the organic development. It is not in my control. Relationships ebb & flow for a myriad of reasons, and I am grateful to have been appreciated authentically, whether it has been five minutes or five years.