relocation is a creative endeavor
Blank pages intimidate me. They always have.
I distinctly remember my third grade teacher asking “why do you erase so much?” At the time I didn’t have the introspective tools to explore why my first, second, third tries didn’t look quite right. I don’t identify as a perfectionist so my iterations weren’t in pursuit of artistic gold. Without a prompt or direction the nature of possibility has always overwhelmed me. What is a truly creative gift - the opportunity to define, to redefine unchartered territory - I perceive as infinitely malleable; my efforts at writing/dancing/drawing become obsolete. I can just scrap them and start again.
But you’re not afforded the luxury of multiple drafts when you to move a foreign place. Sure, you can prepare a blueprint. You can learn basic Kinyarwanda phrases or pack boots for rainy season. Unfortunately you can’t retract a left-handed fist bump or un-inquire about sensitive historical events (note: other taboos include smiling at strangers, calling your boss/supervisor by their first name, discussing the genocide, criticizing the government, bending gender roles). You can’t undo your first attempt at socio-cultural integration, only learn from it.
(Perhaps naively) I didn’t foresee having to tackle a completely barren drawing board in Kigali. Nevertheless two weeks post-arrival I received an email from the Institute that had invited me to collaborate on a year-long research project. It read, "Without employment from a US based organization, the management found it difficult to offer you a volunteer place.” Fifteen months of cross-cultural momentum was derailed in three terse sentences. Now, with 9000+ miles between California and Rwanda and twelve months ahead, I am confronted with uncertainty far greater than any elementary school art assignment.
It was as if the bumpers in my bowling lane suddenly vanished (note: I’ve bowled twice in the past four months so this metaphor feels particularly relevant). I moved because I thought I would have a fail-safe system, some infrastructure to prevent me from falling into the gutter. Instead I have the opportunity to define, to redefine this uncharted territory. My future here is infinitely malleable…ahhh!
Before the move several folks eagerly inquired how they could follow along my journey. Your collective enthusiasm left me flattered and paralyzed. I have an obligation to write something that is worthwhile and justifiable of your time; something that is honest and humble and reflective of my experience. In full transparency, the reason I took so long to reach out was because I didn’t feel like I had an impressive answer to “how’s it going?” Everything is simultaneously novel and awkward and confusing and thrilling. So if there is something you’re particularly curious about please let me know at emily.sprague711@gmail.com.
As for right now, I’m navigating the messiness of life: an unforeseen challenge that the blank page of this unconventional chapter has gifted me.